January 27, 2011

(#36) i'm a bachelor 'til the rapture...

in a previous post, i mentioned this hilarious guy named jonathan acuff. i read his blog every day. today i was reading it during third hour (shhh...don't tell anyone) and he referenced an older post about surviving church as a single person. i was literally covering my mouth to hold in the laughter. the ones that made me laugh the hardest are the ones that are really true...and there's a lot of them.

The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard

1. Your church doesn’t have a singles ministry. = + 1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry but it’s combined with the college ministry which creates opportunities for conversations like this:

Student: “My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a Freshman!”

Single: “My 401K is underperforming.” = +2 points

3. Your church has a singles ministry but it’s a triad that combines college, single adults and divorce recovery. = + 3 points

4. Your church has a singles ministry but it’s the dreaded quad, combining college, single adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers that refuse to move to Florida. = +4 points

5. Someone pays you the world’s most backhanded compliment, “I just don’t understand how someone as great as you isn’t married yet.” = +1 point

6. Someone told you, “If you stop looking for love you’ll find it.” 2 points for each time you’ve heard that.

7. At church, people give you weird looks if you refuse to sit in the “singles” section of the sanctuary. = +1 point

8. When people introduce you, they say, “This is Matt, my single friend.” = +2 points

9. When people introduce you they feel compelled to list out your accomplishments, “This is Sally, my single friend who owns her own home, drives a luxury sedan and has a very, very stable job.” = +3 points

10. Your friends that have been married for 15 minutes act like they suddenly don’t remember anything about dating and therefore can’t give you any advice. “It’s been so long since I dated, things have changed so much. I’m just out of that whole scene.” + 2 points

11. People are constantly volunteering you for things because, “you’re single, you’ve got so much free time.” = +1 point

12. People at church act a little surprised when they ask you, “How are you doing?” and you respond with, “Things are great right now. I love my life!” = +1 point

13. Married friends try to live vicariously through you, asking questions like, “What did you do this weekend? Road trip? I bet you went on some crazy cool, singles road trip, right?” = +2 points

14. Someone you just met for the first time said a sentence like this to you, “If you want to get married, you need to ______.” = +2 points

15. Whenever married friends call you at noon on a Saturday, they start the conversation by saying, “Did I just wake you up?” = +3 points

16. You assume that if you don’t get engaged by final exams of your senior year in college you’ll never get married. = -2 points

17. You’ve secretly always wanted your own cat but are afraid that ownership of a single kitten will become some sort of gateway drug to becoming “the cat lady.” = – 2 points

18. You’ve ever given an impassioned, enraged monologue on the injustice that men who are single get to age gracefully and be considered “bachelors” while women are instantly judged as “crazy cat ladies.” = – 3 points

19. You’ve got a “don’t perpetuate the cat lady stereotype,” monologue locked and loaded at all times and have already stopped reading this post so you can put it in the comments section. = – 5 points

20. Someone has quoted the “it’s not good for man to be alone” Bible verse to you. = +2 points.

21. When friends invite you to their church they start the invite by listing both the quantity and hotness of the singles that go there. = +1 point

22. That friend was named Jon Acuff and he said, “No one in Atlanta should ever involuntarily remain single with so many awesome single people at North Point Community Church.” (I’ve said this a lot. My bad.) = + 3 points

23. Your married friends tip toe around you during February because they think you’re too delicate to handle the completely made up holiday, Valentine’s Day. = +1 point

24. You are too delicate to handle Valentine’s Day and have been known to describe it with a rich tapestry of words no Christian should even know exist, never mind actually say out loud. = + 1 point

25. The person that leads the singles ministry at your church got married in 1964. = +10 points for each decade they’ve been married.

26. Someone told you, “Maybe you need to focus on being more like a Proverbs 31 woman.” = 2 points for each time it wasn’t sincere encouragement.

27. You didn’t know you were supposed to be unhappy as a single adult until you went to church and found the singles ministry to be akin to a support group. = +3 points

28. Upon hearing that you went on a first date with someone, your single friends at church stop inviting you to the single events because “you’re in a relationship already.” = +2 points

29. Upon hearing that you went on two dates, your married friends at church start telling you, “I’ll be praying that this is the one!” = + 3 points

30. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that until you get married too you can’t be close again because you just don’t understand each other anymore. = +3 points

31. To justify giving a four week marriage sermon series to a congregation that is 60% single, the pastor throws out one blanket statement like this at the beginning of the series, “And you single people listen up to this too, this well serve you well when you get married too.” = +2 points

32. You set your alarm to “not going to church today” after the first week of the marriage sermon series. = – 2 points

33. The only time your married friends invite you over is when they need a babysitter. = +3 points

34. Someone throws the “Paul was never married” card on you. = +2 points

35. Friends assume that the only qualification that matters to you when it comes to finding a date is that she’s available and set you up with people you have nothing in common with. = +2 points

36. You’ve ever said the rhyme, “I’m a bachelor til’ the rapture.” = – 1 point

37. During a prayer at church celebrating wedding anniversaries, the person praying says a special prayer for all the people that are still single and lonely. (True story) = +1 point

38. You have a friend that feels like creating a dating profile on eHarmony is a sign that you might not be trusting God enough to provide a soul mate. = + 1 point

39. You’ve developed highly sensitive, “They’re about to throw the bouquet” radar and know exactly when to leave a wedding. = +2 points

40. Instead of saying that you’re “single” your friends describe you as “Not married yet.” = +2 points

January 17, 2011

a hotel slumber party...

despite the fact that last week consisted of three snow days and one work day, (meaning i only saw my students for one day) it was kind of a rough week school-wise. the majority of my stress was directly related to lesson plan writing, which i have discovered is definitely the hardest part for me. (i'm hoping it stays that way...i don't want to find something harder in a week or two!) so after spending all day friday working on plans, that i kept having to change, i was spent. i was going into my three day weekend feeling very overwhelmed and i had no fun plans to look forward to.

enter my wonderful mother.

we were talking on saturday and decided that we could take an impromptu trip and meet in columbia! so sunday after church i headed east, she headed west, and a hotel slumber party ensued. we ate at shakespeare's pizza, played games, ate cake, (it was also my half birthday, which i love to celebrate) swam and explored the town. also, as evidenced in the photo below, i apparently acquired lion hair. it was just want i needed. (the trip, not so much the hair) thanks mom!!!

January 7, 2011

meet paul...

my main squeeze. his full name is paul mccartney. get it? paul mcCARTney. incredibly clever, i know. and he's dreamy to look at. all that organization.


i am proud to say i have completed my first week as a teacher completely tear free. i didn't cry once! that seems promising. i'm a little hesitant to say this, lest the sky fall down on me, but i feel like i'm in the groove. i have an organizational plan of attack. i know where my classes are. i can name 95% of my students, as long as they don't change seats. i can probably name 50% if they do. i even know where to go if there's a fire or tornado. i struggled a little with running out of lesson plans before the end of class, but i improvised and so far it's all worked out.

pretty soon i'm going to get tired of the whole 'every day' part of the job, but if other grownups can do it, i probably can too.

January 4, 2011

the first day of school...

so far i'm surviving. i've made it through one day with my little darlings. it's obviously only been one day since i'm still calling them darlings. we'll see how long that lasts.

the biggest challenge at the moment is muscling my massive cart in and out of classrooms and through hallways filled with crazed middle schoolers every hour. i'm thinking of inventing some sort of extreme sport based on my experiences in the hallways of plms. it could be big.

but even for the pain it is, my cart is also one of my favorite parts of the job thus far. i'm sure it will come as no surprise that i took great pleasure organizing it and making every detail just right. in fact...i think i should give it a name. any suggestions?