my life in a nursing home

today was my last day at john knox village. it was bittersweet. i just celebrated my three year anniversary [officially making it my longest lasting job to date] and though the job has had its share of annoyances over the years, it also provided many fond memories.

i will miss my residents. i will miss the way they make me laugh and the sweet things they say. i'll miss they way they will sing and dance with you when they're in a good mood. i might even miss the way they make mean faces and occasionally shout at you when they're cranky.

funny things happen when you work with older people and i kept track of some of the best stories in a document titled "my life in a nursing home". i've shared some fun memories and funny stories in the past, and in honor of my last day, would like to amuse you with a sampling of the conversations that occur with our beloved residents...

me: would you like to hear some keyboard music today?

bill: what?

me: would you like to hear keyboard music?

bill: i can't understand what you're saying.

me: keyboard music.

bill: i should take a laxative.

me: okay then.

amber: robert, are you a veteran?

robert: yes

amber: what branch did you serve in?

robert: i don't know

amber: i heard that you served in the army

robert: that's definitely not true.

[editors note: it actually is true]

joyce: look what the bird did today

[shows me where the bird pooped on the back of her shirt]

me: gross
alberta: what happened?
me: ruby made a mess on joyce's shirt

alberta: you should just shoot it

amber: frank, would you like some fruit?

frank: no, i would like a suppository.

me: how's it going marie?

marie: well, i made it out of the den of iniquity.

me: great!

amber: lucille, i hear it's your birthday this month, what day is it?

lucille: june 23

amber: oh that's great, how old will you be?

lucille: well my sister will be 23. 

amber: oh wow, that's young. how old will you be?

lucille: i'll be 123...i think that's right. i don't know how to count anymore, it gets harder every day.

vivian rolls into our activity meeting, looks at amber and says: did you lose your pants? because i think someone left them on my bed.

mary: and your name is?

dia: dia

mary: zia?

dia: yep.

mary: and your last name?

dia: claxton

mary: casing? zia casing? are you sure that's your name?